Thursday, December 2, 2010

3 months and 2 days...

...That's how long I have been an ex-fiancee. 3 months 2 days to this day, I broke it off with my live-in fiance. 4 years...poof... down the drain. Here I am single again at the ripe age of 38.

Many am sure, especially family, must think me crazy. Why on earth would I want to be single at my age? Why really? I wonder myself.

Like anything else, it's complicated. Chains of events that set off this started with a little ripple of doubt, an uneasiness in the stomach and it snowballed into full anxiety...waking up in a sweat almost every morning, wondering how the heck do I get out of this?  Add to the snowball a lying fiance who is financially unstable and you got yourselves the making of an avalanche...end result: broken engagement.

So why so many doubts? Was it fear of marriage itself? Or was it my body, my gut telling me he wasn't the right one? And for godsakes, why did it take me 4 years to come to this realization? And why even now after 3 months and 2 days, I am not so sure I knew or know what I truly want?

Is it my wrenching fear of loneliness that has my mind doubting what my body knew? Or is it the stark and depressing realization that I am now 4 years older and the online dating world is ripe with old men that hold absolutely no interest for me. Men with baggage, with less hair, who are unfit, with a divorcee status, alimony payments, or children? What the heck did I get myself into or out of really?

No matter. At the end of the day, I say "I don't..."

...I don't to marriage just to settle. I don't to a partner who is not my equal financially. I don't to a partner who can't be honest. I don't to getting less than I deserve.